Lead Us Not Into Temptation

Depression is not a state of being, it is a series of thoughts. Thoughts are not facts, thoughts are not reality. Thoughts can be changed. Anxiety is created and it sends my mind into a raging downward spiral.  

Ok. So I retrain my brain. I commit. I embrace choiceless routine. Why? because my head is all out of sorts. My mind is spiraling out of control. And I have to save myself. Taking the words from Twenty One Pilots to heart, “I have to kill my mind in order to save my life.”

I am causing this suffering. This pain. I’m sleeping now, so i think my problems are gone? Wrong, there just NOW surfacing. How could I possibly think I wasn’t susceptible to misery, to the lows, to the incredibly low lows. How could I possibly think I was above that?  

I have to save myself. Lead me not into temptation. My whole life I thought temptation only meant sex or food or killing someone, or cursing at your sibling.  Let me not be tempted to have sex before marriage. Let me not be tempted to eat this whole ice cream Sunday, this whole plate of fries. 

Temptation: Desiring something you know will not benefit you in any way.

Just because you have thoughts, does not mean they are real. Thoughts are not truths. Desire. Wanting. Craving. Needing. Needing something from outside the self to fulfill or satisfy. Craving something you think will not benefit you in any way.  Craving something that will prove to be detrimental to you in some way.  Growing up the detrimental thing was Hell. Don’t do this, or you’ll go to Hell.  Don’t sin, don’t give into temptation, and if you do, feel bad. Feel guilty.

Temptation is all around us. We are bombarded with it. I’m tempted to watch reality TV. HOURS of it in a single day. I know reality TV does not benefit me in any way. I’m tempted to do it, I usually do it, and afterwards I don’t feel too great about myself. I feel like I’ve wasted time, I haven’t grown as an individual in the time I spent watching shit TV. I feel dumber.  

Then why do I desire it?  Why do we desire things we KNOW will not benefit us. Does it come down to loving ourselves? Loving someone means you want only the best for that person. Loving yourself, then, should mean you want only the best for yourself.  

Falling into temptation, at its root, is not loving yourself fully. Falling into temptation is harmful.  Loving oneself fully is thinking things and doing things that benefit the body, benefit the mind, and benefit the soul. 

Hopeless Hopefuls

Lately I’ve been scrutinizing my generation and trying desperately to understand why we do what we do.  Lost, is the thing that comes to mind, when I think of my own circumstances.

Stanford grad and co-founder of PayPal, Peter Thiel wrote a book about startups called Zero to One.  In it, he’s been able to clear some stuff up for me, as far as why our generation is a bit out of sorts.

An indefinite optimist, or any American born between 1982-present, sees the future as something that is “going to be better,” but he is very “unsure of the path” he will take to make it better.  A hopeful with out a plan.  Our parents, almost Boomers, but not quite, were born in the ‘50s and experienced a world that “got better every year for the first eighteen years of [their lives] and it had nothing to do with them.”  My parents are as supportive as they come, but occasionally, we don’t see eye to eye. Thiel writes, “Since tracked careers worked for them, they can’t imagine that they won’t work for their kids, too.”  Thank you, Peter Thiel.

Our generational differences are vast…maybe not as vast as the Black Panthers and their hard working, slave-born parents…but vast nonetheless.  I just finished creating my first website, and by created I mean edited a template.  Before I read Zero to One, I opened the Gallery page with “We are the lucky ones.” I also wrote something about being mediocre, as well as something about not knowing what comes next.  On the About page I wrote, “I believe I’ll become great at something someday.”  Completely hopeful, completely without a plan. He basically describes the whole of my current psychological struggle in less than two pages.

Discipline? Goals? Plans?  My goal was to graduate college, my plan after that was almost nonexistent.  I’ve been telling people lately, “I was this close to applying to a Documentary and Features MA program in London, but I decided to put it off because, the slightest chance I got in, it’d be too tempting to accept, and then I’d be committed.” Now I’m thinking, would that be such a bad thing, if it’s something I truly wish to pursue? Peter Thiel so eloquently states, “Indefinite attitudes to the future explain what’s most dysfunctional in our world today…we no longer [strive] to be great at something substantive…because everyone around us has long lost faith in a definite world.”  He’s right, but…what if I just want to travel the world and give zero fucks for two more years?

Speaking of being committed.  When it comes to relationships these days, it’s not a common word us free-spirited, backpacking, rave-going Millenials use very often.  We settle for mediocre hookups with mediocre personalities. We’re all about mediocrity, and we don’t even realize it.

I was talking to an old coworker, probably a mere eight or so years older than me, and I was absolutely stunned when he said he once sold a guitar to take a girl out on a first date.  I’m sorry, that shit doesn’t happen to people I know.  There’s a huge sense of selfishness and individualism when it comes to relationships today.  The hookup culture from college extends into the work culture post college and we’re just as set up for plummeting self-esteems as we were five years ago. Mathew Kelly, a man of deep faith and author of a book called Rediscovering Catholicism, explains how our culture is obsessed with individualism.  The question “What’s in it for me?” he says, “is the creed of individualism and based on an all-consuming concern for the self.”  He argues, “No community, whether as small as a family or a large as a nation, can grow strong with this attitude.”  Which may explain why most of the relationships I experienced throughout college were shit.  As unfortunate as it may seem, it’s true that “Our culture places a very high premium on self expression, but is relatively disinterested in producing ‘selves’ that are worth expressing.” In regards to this idea, Thiel argues, “By the time a student gets through college, he’s spent a decade curating a bewildering diverse resume to prepare for a completely unknowable future.  Come what may, he is ready for—nothing in particular.”

It seems, these fine middle-aged white males have hit the nail on the head by concluding that our very own American society is spitting out a load of self-centered college grads with no idea what their future looks like, let alone what their purpose is.  But hey, at least we’re hopeful, and for the time being, happily uncommitted.

We are products of this environment…neatly formed into cookie cutter young adults with absolutely no direction. And I thought my lostness was mine alone.

To our disadvantage, our educational system didn't exactly teach us what we’re good at.  It promotes sameness in every way possible.  We’re not encouraged to pursue greatly and with deep discipline the things we are very good at.  The outcome is widespread mediocrity.  And it doesn’t stop there.  We produce individuals that are average at a large number of tasks but have been rewarded for stuff they’re not that good at their entire lives.  Consequently, we feel entitled to money and power in the work place, even when we’re only mediocre at our jobs.

We expect rewards (was I not supposed to frame the 10,000 participation ribbons I received in K through 12th grade, yes 12th).  What happened to being rewarded for the thing we’re best at?

It’s bugged me since at least 6th grade, when kids started giving each other labels: The nerd, The emo, The jock, The this, The that.  I secretly wanted a label—I never fit under one.  Recently a friend said to me, “You’re very much your own person.”  I take that as a compliment now, and though I was my own person back then…I felt like I needed to be identifiable.  Today, I’m just trying to find an identity.

There’s controversy over whether successful people are successful because they caught a few lucky breaks or because they planned, and conquered.  It could be a touchy subject, so more on that another time. What if there were no such thing as coincidences? Only design and reason.  Perhaps alternative words for God and science. Something is for certain, we must learn to have faith in a definite future, if we ever dream of finding peace of mind.

Altruism Complex Rebuttal

I’ve decided to publically reflect on this article (The White Tourist's Burden by Rafia Zakaria), seeing as I am in the midst of a “voluntour.”  This article makes many valid points.  I say this because most, if not all, have crossed my mind, and I see his point very clearly.  Before traveling to a foreign nation, I had a stigma about teaching English to kids.  I had the thought, “As an outsider, I don’t want to be pushing my native language onto another culture…that just doesn’t seem right.”  Furthermore, a fellow traveler explained, “Some of these programs that allow Westerners to come in and teach English don’t even have proper training programs.”  “There’s no way I would let my kid learn English, or any subject, from someone with absolutely no experience teaching anything.”  I agree.  I wouldn’t allow my kid to learn under such circumstances either. After very little time at RHO Appleseed my opinion about teaching English has shifted.  Though keeping their native tongue is necessary in order to keep their culture alive…learning to speak, read, and write in English will open so many more doors for these children.  True, I am not trained, I have no credentials, and I am learning as much or more than these kids.  But even after such a short period of time experiencing such poverty…it is very obvious how limited life for a child of Zambia can be.  Opportunities are virtually nonexistent for those who didn’t complete their education.  If I can teach just one kid to learn how to read, I’ve done something I can be proud of.  Moreover, I feel comfortable saying this kid is better off. 

One of the main points the author makes is that voluntourism is becoming a profitable business. There’s an idea with a negative connotation that individuals of more affluent nations feel pulled to “change the world.”  When I admit, I have felt pulled to create positive change in a big way, I understand that my presence in Zambia will not change the world.  My presence, for a limited time, will put a few smiles on a few faces.  It may even help a kid learn how to read.  I can't hope for anymore; I am an outsider looking in on a bad situation.  

The author states that Jack mentions his trip abroad at any chance he gets, as a way to feel like he’s “done his part for society.”  I hate that bullshit.  If a guy continues to tell you he’s a nice guy, repeatedly and overwhelmingly…he’s not a nice guy.  Jack is trying to build himself up from the outside in. Since I can remember, there was a part of me that had a desire to go to a third world country and touch lives of those less fortunate. Why this feeling came to be? Maybe I’m a part of a generation that seeks a different kind of understanding.  Maybe it’s a personality trait.  Maybe I watched too much Oprah growing up.  The desire was there though.  I will say, I was smart enough to not buy into a scam that made me pay a large fee to participate in their “Giving Back” program.  I want to be as specific as possible while generalizing just the right amount.  Did that make sense?  Do you answer to those who ask you why you do what you do?  Do you even know why you do what you do?  Even if you didn’t ask or don’t care I feel obligated (because of this article) to tell you that I am here because I want to learn.  I want to experience other cultures and get to know the people that live here.  I want to learn about what it was like growing up here.  I want to have conversations with people that have lived here their entire lives.  I want to know their beliefs, their values.  Why?  Because so much of my life has been experiences of and with people that think the same way I think, that do the same things I do, that grew up in similar ways, that held similar family values.  So much of my life has been comfortable. For so many things I am grateful, but I will tell you this, I was ready to feel uncomfortable.  I was ready to throw myself outside of my box because that is the quickest and most effective way to learn.

There’s another point he makes about fleeing the country because it’s so much easier to volunteer at an orphanage (which fulfills our desire to give back) than it is to even attempt to tackle some of the problems we have in America.  Completely valid point, and for those who are trying to escape personal life or a crumbling society, I say do as much good as you can for people who may want or need your help.  Even if you go abroad to fulfill some desire to give back, you’re voluntarily making yourself uncomfortable and you will most likely learn something from it.  But for me, I am not escaping a personal hardship or turning my back on a crumbling society.  I'm doing this to help in any way I can. I’m doing this to grow as a human being.  And with growth and knowledge of alternative perceptions I have a better understanding of myself.  Which in turn allows me to have a better understanding of what I am passionate about, which will lead me to work that I will be more productive in, and therefore become a better contributor to society (global or domestic).  Maybe I grew up with some complex about changing the world.  But my very wise, very opinionated uncle told me this:  People won’t change the world, the world will change us.  Think about it. 

Airport Life

Here I am doing the exact same thing as these people.... We are a culture, a people who don't know each other. And we have no desire to know each other- why would we? We don't need each other to keep us company when we have our devices. We have things to keep us entertained. In the past there were books, magazines, newspapers. At least then we had people who wanted to know about the world and it's people.... I'm not saying what people do on their devices isn't worth while. It's just that we seem so content with being alone.  Don't we understand that a screen can't love us back? People are friendly enough. And I don't actually know what it was like in the 50s... I assume it would be more vibrant. But perhaps not. I assume there would be more contentment.  Less desiring, because there was simply less to desire. There was less exposure, we knew less. Time stood still longer. We're moving so quickly these days. It takes a day to travel across the world. A single day, and you could be anywhere on earth. We are magical. Our technology has enabled us to do amazing things. The people who get to utilize this technology are without, still. They reap the benefits of someone else's hard work and intelligence... But we need all levels of human intelligence, if all humans were geniuses, we'd be in trouble. We need lack of interest in higher knowledge, we need contentment in life's simple pleasures, we need those who only reap benefits. If we didn't have these people, we wouldn't have a working economy. Those who are with knowledge and great intelligence are too, without, in a different way.  Perhaps they are without things some may consider necessary for happiness. We all have a broad spectrum of talents and gifts. We all have different passions and wills. This is what makes life so wonderful. Our differences. For if we did not have differences, we would not grow. As we grow and learn from each other, although we share so many differences in possibly every aspect of our lives, we begin to understand and put more weight on the fact that we have so much in common. For if we know each other's strengths and weaknesses, and we know we are all striving for the same end goal, we can work together to do amazing things.  We want to imagine, to create, to innovate, to inspire. We want to serve, feel grateful, love, and be loved.  If we wanted all these things for ourselves and for others, the world would be a better place. 

Turned to Gold

As an American traveler, I was expecting the rant on the U.S. "Your government doesn't care about its people." "Many of you feel entitled and you aren't encouraged to travel and see the world." In response I nodded in agreement a lot of the time... My feeling is, I was a product of the environment.  And I was much better off than many, as far as financial stability and family life. I wasn't really introduced to global issues until my 3rd year of university. I wasn't encouraged to travel. I was expected to get decent enough grades to get into a good college, and to get a job in order to support a family. That's the "dream."

The first thing I noticed about the country was the amount of trash.  Everywhere; on the side of the road, in dumps burning behind a market- all out in the open.  In America, we hide our trash. We export our garbage and keep our lives looking very clean and orderly. Is that also a metaphor for the idea that we hide our feelings or hide information from our public? First world countries have the most mental illness in the world...can it be because we choose to not confront the trash in our lives? Instead, exporting it to a foreign nation.. A far away place inside our heads.

Here, their garbage is highly visible... Much like their social, political, and economic injustices. Poverty is a very visible fact. In the U.S. we tend to hide our poor. We paint murals resembling apartment balconies on buildings that border the South Bronx so that commuters have a more pleasant view on their way to work. 

As far as altruism goes... It's a funny story and highly debatable. Can a person do something wholly and completely for a cause that is not themselves? Are we always striving to improve the self? By doing good and making it known to others, are we feeding our false center that is our ego? By doing good, we sometimes feel good after...is that a sin? 

I once had a desire to tattoo the word arête on my body.  It's Latin, I think, for one who strives for perfection with the humble awareness that such perfection does not exist. It's also the exact opposite of hubris. In our own ways, we're all trying to explain the human condition, aren't we? The idea that we think therefore we are.  The theory that we are logical beings with the ability to use reason to solve our problems. The burden that comes with having a thinking mind.  I guess we've all suffered some degree of our own idea of the human condition. 

Suddenly, when we find out our lives aren't perfect, our feelings get hurt because we discover man's dark side. Immediately we have an instinct to create change. To FIX...it all. Me, just me.  I... will FIX it all. So we jump from 1) perfect little life 2) Awareness of a problem 3) Thought: I need to fix this problem 4) Action. The misstep is 3, with the thought process beginning "I can fix it all." We, as individuals are only one person. One individual is capable of amazing actions, genius ability, and unbelievable heights.  But one person cannot fix such complex issues with different levels and degrees of right and wrong... immediately after becoming aware of a major social/ economic/ ecological/ political problem. 

This in fact, may be the human condition: that we are too quick to assume we have the power to turn shit into gold with the flick of a finger. These issues I speak of take years of planning, collaboration, brainstorming. Solutions are not easy to come by- but positive change is a more realistic goal. 

A problem with many who grew up in a typical American society is that we live very comfortable lives...often times completely detached from some of the consequences of our actions. As soon as we see someone suffering we want to help. We want them to know the joy and comfort we experience in our lives. What's the most detached way to help someone in need of food, medicine, or shelter?  Write a check. 

We are terribly disconnected to the real problems... the built in problems of society. Issues of the third world and issues of our own. We don't see what's happening. We don't feel the effects in our daily lives because we live in a world where we are used to cause followed by immediate effect. In the U.S. there has been a delayed reaction. The more I discover about the world, the more I realize that what is happening now has happened before. But the major and life threatening problem we have on our hands is that now- there are more people on the planet, more resources being used at too fast a rate, more garbage being produced, and not enough water for the masses. 

On a smaller scale, the issues we are experiencing right now have all existed in the past. But now we have the technology and data telling us that if we don't change the way we do things now.. there won't be much a future for any of us.